Friday, March 30, 2012

Bad Mommy, Sad Mommy

I feel awful, like the biggest failure in the universe, and completely discouraged tonight about oh-so-much.  And this is not going to be the most lighthearted post you've ever read, so if you're not up for it, this is your chance to quit reading.  (I know.  That's the most surefire way to get people to keep reading.  So for that, I apologize.)

Oh, I don't even know where to start.  So let's start with the fact that allergies are kicking all of our tails and none of us feel well.  And I have cramps that are so bad that even Excedrin and a heating pad haven't made a difference.  And although it's been a good day, I've quietly had a bunch of little stuff happen today that has upset me.  And then a few bigger things, too.  And I'm sitting on the couch, reading the Hunger Games (I'm up to page 97 out of 267, so I'm not too far into it; I can't help but wonder where we would fall in District 12.  Surely not starving, but probably only because of Mick's efforts!) and I find the whole thing utterly depressing and that's absolutely affecting my mindset right now.  And we were snuggled in, watching Lady and The Tramp (finally!  it's on DVD so I didn't have to buy the Blu-Ray combo when we don't have a blu-ray player, and I had a coupon -- yes, a coupon! -- for Target, so it was only $15 today) and the doorbell rang.  Today is the first day of Spring Break here, and two of the neighbor girls came asking if CAM could come play.

Mick stumbled with that, and asked where they would play; outside at one of the girl's homes.  So I politely declined, explaining (truthfully) that we were watching a movie as a family and we'd have to play tomorrow instead.  But although I didn't lie, the truth is more than just that movie night:  the truth includes the fact that I wasn't feeling up to sitting outside and watching them, and I don't trust them to play alone (we're talking a five-year-old, a four-year-old, and an elementary-age girl -- it has nothing to do with "trust" and everything to do with "age"), and I can't let CAM go alone because, well, it's my job as her mom to not let her go alone, first of all, but also at the bottom of it all, because we don't have health insurance.  She simply can't play on the trampoline and break a bone.  It's not an option.  (For that matter, I really prefer that we avoid any and all ailments that might reuire a doctor's visit, if we can help it, but I think that's pretty normal for any mom!)  So maybe it's not really why we declined the invite, but that we declined the invite.  Because the thing is, we almost always decline invites from the girls, and it breaks my heart to have to.  And when I say "almost always," I really mean it.  We find an excuse (usually legit, it's not so much finding an excuse as genuinely having one) 99% of the time.  So we look like asses, as if we don't WANT our CAM to play with the girls, as opposed to the fact that we can't AFFORD for her to play and have something happen.  Anyway, tonight even Mick was concerned that we'd managed to look even worse by first asking where they would play and then coming up with a reason to say "no."

So, why, after all that other pitiful and ridiculous and trivial stuff, do I feel so bad, if this is par for our course? Because when we politely and truthfully declined the invite on CAM's behalf and tried to resume the movie, CAM sobbed and sobbed.

And I feel awful.

And guilty.

And with everything else going on in our worlds, I feel like an epic failure.

(Now, truth be told, even if we had the best health insurance in the world, I would not have let CAM play tonight because we were watching a movie as a family, and that trumps invites to go play. But the timing was just lousy, let's agree on that, shall we?!)

And the Hunger Games had me already somewhat glum, and the news Mick came upstairs with made me even more so, and breaking my little girls' heart that she couldn't play outside with her friends in part because we'd started family movie night, but also in part because I couldn't watch her and we couldn't risk trampoline or other injuries, made me even more so.   

(Okay, so look:  I know it's totally and completely uncool to talk about money, and so let's just say we're not talking money in the specific sense here; just that we don't have as much as we used to, and it's getting harder and harder to do more and more with less and less.  Is that reasonable to establish, without being totally poor form?  Okay?  With me here?)

I am trying so incredibly hard to be strong.  We've made a lot of sacrifices in the past five years, and so incredibly many in just the past two years, and I am grateful every. single. day. for the outcome:  that I have gotten to stay home with CAM and WHM and be a Mommy.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not thankful for that, or sad at the prospect that CAM's about to go to kindergarten and I'm hopefully going to have a job and lose this time with WHM.  So trust me when I say that every sacrifice has been worth it to me beyond words.  Tonight is just hitting home that sometimes, it's still not enough.

And so I'm sad, and stressed, and feeling overwhelmed, and yes, feeling a little self-pity, and you can slap me and call me silly if you like. But in my crazy, rest-less brain, these emotions start about 99,000,000 scenarios going, and I can't turn my brain off, and the stress gets worse and worse.

And I just want a hug and a nod from God that it's going to be okay.

Because I know it is ... truly, I know it is.  I have seen all that has been provided for us, every time we thought we were at our worst, something -- some little thing -- has happened to allow us to keep on keepin' on, chin up, optimism high. 

Tonight, I suppose, is just the strange amalgam of all the junk in our day, and in our lives, really getting to me.  And it's my blog, and I can write what I want, and I decided that it might be a bit cathartic to write all this out.

Thanks for reading. 

I promise to be back to being witty, sarcastic, and crafty tomorrow.  And charming.  Oh, so very charming!


1 comment:

  1. Anyone who reads your blog or has ever met you knows how completely dedicated you are to your family - never doubt that you're a fantastic mother. Hang in there!