There are no words that can possibly express what I’m
feeling tonight as I write this, and what I am sure almost everyone is
feeling. One of my friends put it best:
words are hollow. There is nothing to
say. So let’s not. For just a little
while, let’s not.
But I can’t not say anything, because writing is cathartic
for me. I know I am not the best writer,
so if you don’t care to read any more on this horrific subject, I
understand.
Today around lunchtime, I heard about “a shooting at an
elementary school in Connecticut.” The headline was vague and I was teaching
all day (today’s my busy day) and so I didn’t get to read anything. I “chalked it up,” as awful as that sounds,
hoping it was a lovers’ quarrel or something.
Something with adults. Something
that happened to take place at an elementary school, but which really had
nothing to do with an elementary school.
Then, after school, I had a flurry of kids in my room and I
still didn’t know.
More accurately, I had No. Idea.
And then, when I was down to only one kid in my room, I got
to see the headline that said there were 18 dead. And then I clicked again, and I saw it was
mostly kids in a kindergarten classroom.
And I had to stop myself from throwing up on my desk.
I started to sob, and I could barely get the words out.
I closed my laptop, locked it up, and walked out of my
room. Trembling, I put on my jacket and
scarf and grabbed my purse. I walked
next door to Victoria’s room and she looked at me and I started to sob again as
I got out the words.
“That shooting? (sob,
sob) The one we saw at lunch? (SOB SOB) 18
kindergarteners were killed.”
And I sobbed and sobbed and she came and hugged me and I
hugged her back and told her I had to go.
I left early; I couldn’t get to CAM fast enough.
And, as with almost everything in this world, I thought too
much about too much.
I haven’t stopped thinking, actually, and I have cried a
whole lot tonight. I don’t cry about the
news, really, ever. I get sad or angry
or feel terribly bad for people, but I don’t cry; and tonight I can’t stop
crying.
There is a photo I’ve now seen countless times on our news,
of a mother with long brown hair with a cell phone to her ear. She looks to be in in absolute despair. The look on her face as she is getting the
worst news of her life will haunt me forever.
I have seen that photo so many times and I can not begin to imagine the
feeling of that woman. My heart aches
for her more than I have ever ached for anything else.
My Facebook newsfeed, of course, is a flurry of anti-gun
sentiment and even, among my overseas friends, anti-American sentiments.
I find it to be a tasteless, all-too-American response to a
tragedy. Within a millisecond, place the
blame. We. Must. Blame. Someone.
One of my friends posted a graphic that said that everyone’s
coming up with “solutions,” but sometimes we just can not fix evil. I reposted it.
Maybe I am crazy, but I don’t think that it’s appropriate to
play this political anti-gun-blame-someone game within hours of such a
tragedy. Regardless of one’s stand on
guns, gun availability, gun control – now is not the time. Perhaps I just have the wrong friends. But what I saw on Facebook broke my
heart. It was ignorant; it was arrogant;
it was almost, even, smug. “This is
awful and here’s why it happened and here’s how we fix it, and I can’t believe
we’ve even having this conversation, it’s so obvious and you must be so stupid
to need it spelled out.”
Really?
Because people have just lost their lives. Precious kindergarteners, among the most
innocent of all innocents, died today at the hands of a psychopath.
I’d like to honor their lives, mourn their deaths, and pray
for their families.
So, those of you that are busily blaming guns and people and
laws and everything else, we’re not friends anymore. Forgive my own crassness in saying this, but
this decision has nothing to do with your politics, and everything to do with
your lack of class.
Another friend of mine sat in the car pick-up line this
afternoon to get her daughter from school, and remarked about how there are 20
parents who sent their kids off to school today and will never get to see them
again.
I pray for them. With all my heart and all I can do, I pray for
them.
--Jen